January 8, 2014: Hella Good
Song: “Hella Good” by No Doubt from Rock Steady
(image from elcajondesastre.com)
Unknown “Plague” Leads to Insatiable Compulsion to Dance
CAMP HILL, PA —In a small borough just outside Harrisburg, more and more people are being seized by an unknown disease. Stranger still, the pathogen seems to present with only one symptom: a compulsive need to dance.
Individuals suffering from the affliction describe it beginning with a vague desire to engage in rhythmic motion, over the course of about two hours, it becomes impossible to ignore. Attempts to stop dancing after an individual has started are reported to lead to painful muscles cramps and spasms. The disease appears to affect those who love to dance and those who do not equally with little to no difference in the how strong the compulsion manifests itself.
The Center of Disease Control arrived in the town early in the day yesterday to aid local health professionals. Unfortunately, no one involved has been able to identify the source of the symptomology, the means of transmission, what long-term dangers it might present, or even what exactly it is: virus, infection or something else entirely.
“At this time,” Mark Grint, CDC Spokesperson, said, speaking to the press earlier today, “there is simply not much to report. Those suffering from the ailment are capable of being sedated and examinations of them have revealed some secondary symptoms that are consistent with excessive exercise, such as dehydration and muscle strain. However, when the sedative wore off, the patients quickly returned to dancing and denied feeling exhausted, in pain, or nauseous, as would be typical in cases of overexertion.”
To ensure the safety of those exhibiting symptoms, the CDC has outfitted them all with a special IV harness that will maintain their hydration without risk of it being upset from their dancing. The CDC stressed, however, that this was a temporary solution and did not address other concerns like physical damage to muscles and bones.
Grint went on to report that blood and saliva cultures had thus far failed to turn up any kinds of foreign bodies that might determine the source of the unusual behavior. Additionally, there were no theories at this time on how the disease was being spread.
Due to these unknowns, as well what the course of the disease might be, Camp Hill has been placed under full quarantine. Several checkpoints have been set up around the roughly 2 square mile borough and only authorized personal are being allowed in or out.
Families of the residents of Camp Hill are encouraged to contact the residents by phone, text, or email and not flood in to wait for the quarantine to be lifted or to try to sneak into town. The CDC will provide updates via local media, their website, and, if necessary, the Emergency Broadcasting System.